our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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