is your mom at the bar?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
