I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
