i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
