I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
