But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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