That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
