Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
