My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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