My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
