I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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