I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i drank out of a bidet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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