You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
