uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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