I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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