Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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