You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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