put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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