dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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