Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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