my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
