OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
