Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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