hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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