We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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