i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
