Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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