I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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