then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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