Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
