Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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