we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize