sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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