Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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