New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
