he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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