I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
