when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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