You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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