I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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