1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
