i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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