girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
