remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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