Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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