so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
