I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
