my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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