We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
