Don't make out with my wife yet
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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