yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
