i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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