The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
