I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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