and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize