the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
