Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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