drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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