so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
