You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
