i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
