dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
