He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
