i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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